Thursday, August 11, 2011


I leave for Buffalo in less than three days! I am avoiding excessive use of exclamation points. I am also trying to be realistic that walking into my Nonna's house (it will always be my Nonna's house) is going to be like a slap in the face. Because every piece of furniture will be embedded with her essence, but she will not be there. For the first time in my life, she will not be there to greet me in her thick accent or envelope me in her comforting embrace. Nonna always gave the best hugs.

When I talked to my Nonno last night, he couldn't contain the excitement in his voice that my cousin, Alyssa, and I are coming to see him (and the rest of my family that still lives in the area). And of course, the first thing on his mind was what I wanted to eat and what he needed to get at the grocery store. First on the list? Meatballs. *epic sigh* It's not even worth trying to explain to him anymore that I'm a vegetarian.

This is my life when I go to Buffalo

Despite the emotion that will be invoked by staying in my Nonna's house for the first time in my life with no Nonna, I know that this coming week is going to be so good. I need a change of pace. While moving out of the city and out of a very toxic relationship was the best decision I could have made, this summer has been anything but smooth sailing. Which is ridiculous considering I came home to find healing and rest and support and love. I am exhausted by the drama of it all.

Sometimes I wonder, despite the fact that I hate it so much, if I'm the one who inadvertently creates all the drama. After all, I am a Thespian (as in actor, not playing for the other team :)) and no stranger to the stage. But, then I think of times in my life when I haven't been around certain people and life seemed to be fairly even. For as much as I didn't want to be in Pittsburgh, I never remember having "drama."  Yes, there were hard things that I was dealing with and not everything about that year was easy, but I had amazing friends who were like-minded and easy-going. Mostly, I wonder when it ends. When does it get to the point where I am just too frikken old to deal with this? What relationships are worth keeping (even with drama) and which ones am I willing to let go to lead a healthier, more peaceful life? And, in letting those relationships go, do I sacrifice others? Am I ok with that?

I am not perfect. I by no means make perfect decisions. But, I am haunted by the horrible decisions I have made in the recent past and terrified of continuing the trend. What is the right thing to do? I have heard that sometimes you don't always have to know what the right thing is to do it, as long as you know what the wrong thing is. I don't even know that right now.

So, yes, I need this week in Buffalo. I need a moment to decompress. I need time to think without distractions. I need to go dancing with Alyssa and P.A. I need to play Mario Bros. WII with Ali. I need to go horseback riding with my aunt. I need to watch old home videos with my Nonno. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need to love my family and be loved by them.
As my dad says, blood is thicker than water. I have no idea where that saying came from, but I am so grateful that my family will always be with me and they are awesome.

I am leaving for Buffalo in less than three days!!!!! No amount of exclamation points can communicate my excitement.


Anonymous said...


The Logarithmic Spiral said...

...who will buy me shots... ;)