Wednesday, June 25, 2008

It's All New

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be using the internet right now...I'll take my chances. So, tonight is my first night at a new job. I'm working the front desk at the Wequassett Resort & Golf Club...definitely one of the nicest resorts on the Cape. Very formal. Very swanky. Yet, somehow very unorganized when it comes to new employees. I have gone from waitress to hostess to assistant server to working the front desk all before I even stepped foot onto the resort as an employee. I'm not complaining, only amused.

For now, I am working the switchboard which means I get to answer the phone all professional and transfer the calls to their happy destinations. I also get to do random odds and ends and be slowly, but surely, trained on the software programs and general ways of the resort. However, since I know such a limited amount as of now I'm basically just waiting for the phone to ring to have work to do. I'm half wondering if having an evening job is worth it and half looking forward to meeting new people, learning new skills, and, ultimately, making more money.

I'm sure I'm just having "new kid" jitters. In all actuality, I'm catching on very quickly and I'm looking forward to the time when I know everyone and can answer questions with authority and ease and I'll look back on this time as only a slightly uncomfortable starting point to future success.

For now, I'm looking forward to leaving in an hour and curling up in bed....and perhaps a nightcap may find its way into my hand as well....

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Running to Stand Still

I went for a jog last night for the first time in a long time. I'm not sure if it can really be classified as a jog as I power walked through most of it. But, I did push myself to run for the last quarter mile. It's always easier to push yourself at the end when the finish line is in sight. There are so many analogies I could make from that last sentence...I'll abstain for now.

I'm excited at the prospect of getting back into shape and being able to run with abandon. I'm even more excited at the prospect of having a full hour with just me and the thoughts pulsing in my brain to the rhythm of my shoes on asphalt.

Eight years ago I was afraid to think, afraid to analyze the ideas set before me, afraid to be alone. My theme song was "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd...
"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
And I have become comfortably numb."
I still love that song. It helps me to remember the darkness of being comfortably numb and the joy that startled me out of my fortress of doubt.

Now I cannot imagine not taking every thought captive. Now I glory in solitude. I'm not sure what this means for my life or for what I am being prepared. Does it have to mean anything except that I'm not afraid of thinking, of being alone anymore? Maybe the meaning lies in the fact that I've finally become content with who and where I am. I have found my identity and it does not lie in my sister, in a man, or in my body. My identity is in Christ and that makes all the difference.

Still, I wonder sometimes if all those tiny, little decisions we make add up into one giant purpose. I wonder if the decision I made to get out and go for a jog will lead into some greater destiny. Perhaps the stamina I build going out every evening for a run will come in handy when I have to run for my life in some foreign country? Maybe the reason we are left to wait is because we have yet to see the importance in the every day choices and activities in which we engage.

These are the things I hope to ponder in the evenings as I listen to the slap of my feet on the road and the cacophony of birds in the trees. These are the things I will think of to prevent myself from ever again becoming Comfortably Numb.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Seize the Day vs. Instant Gratification

Sometimes, when I really stop and think about all the mundane details that make up my life, I become incredibly anxious that I'm not living to the hilt every moment. I've been so caught up in the whole process of moving--packing, folding, boxing, loading, unpacking, organizing, buying, assembling--that I'm forgetting what Mr. Stallings told me long ago, to "notice that clouds travel at different levels in the heavens and at different speeds..."

In the midst of trying to set up my new bedframe (which came at possibly too high a price) I happened to glance outside my window whilst I was in the throws of having a heated argument with my mattress and noticed the brilliancy of the stars. There were no clouds for me to notice how they were moving across the heavens, but the pulsing of the Milky Way curved across my eyesight in a way that begged me to rejoice in its light.

I did not rejoice. I thought how I wished I could take the time to appreciate its beauty and then went back to grunting my mattress ontop of the wretched platform that cost me part of my dignity and all of my savings. Sometimes I wonder why I still use CraigsList....
Sometimes I wonder why I'm not doing more to Carpe Diem, Seize the Day. I remember a song we used to sing in youth group:

"Seize the day, seize whatever you can
'Cause life slips away just like hour glass sand
Seize the day, pray for grace from God's hand
And nothing will stand in your way.
Seize the day."

Seize whatever you can. Am I seizing whatever I can? Sometimes I think yes and sometimes I think no. In my conversation with Ange and Carolyn last night, Ange got me thinking with her comment of, "If God wanted you to be anyone else or anywhere else, you would be there."

Though I've contented myself that there was a reason why I was not accepted to the Samaritan's Purse program, I still have nights where I am wrestling at Bethel and demanding that I be blessed. This can't be all there is, I yell at the Angel. This can't be it, I demand more! I demand everything that has been promised to me and I demand it now! Why is waiting so hard? And I don't just mean for me. Our culture as a whole is so permeated with "NOW" that there are times when it seems normal to have instant gratification all the time.

So, is this longing to "seize the day," to make every moment count just a byproduct of wanting to have done and see everything before the ripe old age of 30? Is this just my impatience bubbling forth once again because I'm not content with the here and now, the small and lowly tasks that make up a day? Is this me throwing another pity party?

Oh how I need to be reminded to wait on the Lord. I need to be reminded to be still and know that He is God. I need to notice that clouds travel at different levels in the heavens.

Yet again, I still have so much to say and no words in which to say it...