I went for a jog last night for the first time in a long time. I'm not sure if it can really be classified as a jog as I power walked through most of it. But, I did push myself to run for the last quarter mile. It's always easier to push yourself at the end when the finish line is in sight. There are so many analogies I could make from that last sentence...I'll abstain for now.
I'm excited at the prospect of getting back into shape and being able to run with abandon. I'm even more excited at the prospect of having a full hour with just me and the thoughts pulsing in my brain to the rhythm of my shoes on asphalt.
Eight years ago I was afraid to think, afraid to analyze the ideas set before me, afraid to be alone. My theme song was "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd...
"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
And I have become comfortably numb."
I still love that song. It helps me to remember the darkness of being comfortably numb and the joy that startled me out of my fortress of doubt.
Now I cannot imagine not taking every thought captive. Now I glory in solitude. I'm not sure what this means for my life or for what I am being prepared. Does it have to mean anything except that I'm not afraid of thinking, of being alone anymore? Maybe the meaning lies in the fact that I've finally become content with who and where I am. I have found my identity and it does not lie in my sister, in a man, or in my body. My identity is in Christ and that makes all the difference.
Still, I wonder sometimes if all those tiny, little decisions we make add up into one giant purpose. I wonder if the decision I made to get out and go for a jog will lead into some greater destiny. Perhaps the stamina I build going out every evening for a run will come in handy when I have to run for my life in some foreign country? Maybe the reason we are left to wait is because we have yet to see the importance in the every day choices and activities in which we engage.
These are the things I hope to ponder in the evenings as I listen to the slap of my feet on the road and the cacophony of birds in the trees. These are the things I will think of to prevent myself from ever again becoming Comfortably Numb.