Sometimes, when I really stop and think about all the mundane details that make up my life, I become incredibly anxious that I'm not living to the hilt every moment. I've been so caught up in the whole process of moving--packing, folding, boxing, loading, unpacking, organizing, buying, assembling--that I'm forgetting what Mr. Stallings told me long ago, to "notice that clouds travel at different levels in the heavens and at different speeds..."
In the midst of trying to set up my new bedframe (which came at possibly too high a price) I happened to glance outside my window whilst I was in the throws of having a heated argument with my mattress and noticed the brilliancy of the stars. There were no clouds for me to notice how they were moving across the heavens, but the pulsing of the Milky Way curved across my eyesight in a way that begged me to rejoice in its light.
I did not rejoice. I thought how I wished I could take the time to appreciate its beauty and then went back to grunting my mattress ontop of the wretched platform that cost me part of my dignity and all of my savings. Sometimes I wonder why I still use CraigsList....
Sometimes I wonder why I'm not doing more to Carpe Diem, Seize the Day. I remember a song we used to sing in youth group:
"Seize the day, seize whatever you can
'Cause life slips away just like hour glass sand
Seize the day, pray for grace from God's hand
And nothing will stand in your way.
Seize the day."
Seize whatever you can. Am I seizing whatever I can? Sometimes I think yes and sometimes I think no. In my conversation with Ange and Carolyn last night, Ange got me thinking with her comment of, "If God wanted you to be anyone else or anywhere else, you would be there."
Though I've contented myself that there was a reason why I was not accepted to the Samaritan's Purse program, I still have nights where I am wrestling at Bethel and demanding that I be blessed. This can't be all there is, I yell at the Angel. This can't be it, I demand more! I demand everything that has been promised to me and I demand it now! Why is waiting so hard? And I don't just mean for me. Our culture as a whole is so permeated with "NOW" that there are times when it seems normal to have instant gratification all the time.
So, is this longing to "seize the day," to make every moment count just a byproduct of wanting to have done and see everything before the ripe old age of 30? Is this just my impatience bubbling forth once again because I'm not content with the here and now, the small and lowly tasks that make up a day? Is this me throwing another pity party?
Oh how I need to be reminded to wait on the Lord. I need to be reminded to be still and know that He is God. I need to notice that clouds travel at different levels in the heavens.
Yet again, I still have so much to say and no words in which to say it...