The year is winding down. Days are ticking off the calendar like the small remainder of leaves ripped from the trees in this morning's wind gusts. It's strange realizing that Christmas is less than a week away. I used to have trouble believing how people could actually be depressed during the holiday season, but now it's not so far-fetched. And while this year the loss of my Nonna is easier to bear than it was last year, it is still hard this time of year knowing that I won't ever again be able to make fraitzwith her bustling around the kitchen or listen to her high soprano singing old Italian Christmas songs.
Move over, Martha Stewart!
It is becoming increasingly easier to hold her memory in my heart without sinking into the sadness of loss. Nevertheless, I still long for her - her very essence - especially on this most festive of months.
Considering my life last year and how far the past 300+ days have brought me, I can't really complain too much. I am so cozy in my Little Mansion with my Teacup Panther and my Giant Nova Scotian Balsam Fir all decked out in gold and red.
I have loved decorating for Christmas this year. And, despite not being able to go to Buffalo this year, there's no other place I'd rather be than snuggled in with my family on good ol' Cape Cod, cooking and eating and drinking and watching Christmas movies together.
So no, I'm not depressed this year, but I understand the joy and peace so much more than ever before. Much to love, much to cherish, much to celebrate.
God bless us, everyone
Monday, November 14, 2011
Fifty two weeks to a year. Seven days to a week. Twenty four hours to a day. Sixty minutes to an hour. Sixty seconds to a minute.
Three hundred and sixty five days to a year. 8,760 hours to a year. 525,600 minutes to a year. 31,536,000 seconds to a year.
26 Years, 10 Months, 8 Days, 8 Hours, 49 Minutes of my life that I could call my Nonna mine.
I meant to write and post this over a week ago on the anniversary of her death.
The anniversary of her death.
Her death.
Sometimes it's still not real to me. And perhaps that why I have been avoiding this post...because the reality is all at once acceptable and horrifying. After so much time has past, I still don't know how to embrace the inevitable.
I was sitting with a friend on my porch while I was home from work sick last week and we were talking about signs and visitations from loved ones already passed. During our conversation, a chickadee - his grandmother's favorite bird - kept flitting in the branches of a nearby tree. Moments later a cardinal came and my friend was convinced it was my Nonna. While I don't know one way or another, I do know that her love and the life in her spirit continues to live on. I believe very strongly in the spiritual realm and I know that there is so much which we do not understand.
Case in point: I had a dream about her on Saturday night. I was in Buffalo sitting on the front porch and Nonna walked out. I knew that it wasn't really her, merely an apparition. But, I told her that the one thing I wanted was to just sit with her and hold her hand. And that's what she did. She also told me some things that I wish I could remember specifically, but it was basically about how much she loves me.
In the midst of horrible life decisions and not being anywhere near where I thought I would/wanted to be at this stage of my life, it is comforting to have her spirit remind me that I am loved unconditionally. However motivated I am to live a life that will bring her honor, I am also content knowing that no matter what I do or where I am, her love for me remains constant.
Each step taken; each breath inhaled; each tear to trace its way down my cheek, dissolve in the crevices of my face; each smile that deepens the lines around my eyes is known...is loved...is significant. And that makes all the difference.
I leave for Buffalo in less than three days! I am avoiding excessive use of exclamation points. I am also trying to be realistic that walking into my Nonna's house (it will always be my Nonna's house) is going to be like a slap in the face. Because every piece of furniture will be embedded with her essence, but she will not be there. For the first time in my life, she will not be there to greet me in her thick accent or envelope me in her comforting embrace. Nonna always gave the best hugs.
When I talked to my Nonno last night, he couldn't contain the excitement in his voice that my cousin, Alyssa, and I are coming to see him (and the rest of my family that still lives in the area). And of course, the first thing on his mind was what I wanted to eat and what he needed to get at the grocery store. First on the list? Meatballs. *epic sigh* It's not even worth trying to explain to him anymore that I'm a vegetarian.
This is my life when I go to Buffalo
Despite the emotion that will be invoked by staying in my Nonna's house for the first time in my life with no Nonna, I know that this coming week is going to be so good. I need a change of pace. While moving out of the city and out of a very toxic relationship was the best decision I could have made, this summer has been anything but smooth sailing. Which is ridiculous considering I came home to find healing and rest and support and love. I am exhausted by the drama of it all.
Sometimes I wonder, despite the fact that I hate it so much, if I'm the one who inadvertently creates all the drama. After all, I am a Thespian (as in actor, not playing for the other team :)) and no stranger to the stage. But, then I think of times in my life when I haven't been around certain people and life seemed to be fairly even. For as much as I didn't want to be in Pittsburgh, I never remember having "drama." Yes, there were hard things that I was dealing with and not everything about that year was easy, but I had amazing friends who were like-minded and easy-going. Mostly, I wonder when it ends. When does it get to the point where I am just too frikken old to deal with this? What relationships are worth keeping (even with drama) and which ones am I willing to let go to lead a healthier, more peaceful life? And, in letting those relationships go, do I sacrifice others? Am I ok with that?
I am not perfect. I by no means make perfect decisions. But, I am haunted by the horrible decisions I have made in the recent past and terrified of continuing the trend. What is the right thing to do? I have heard that sometimes you don't always have to know what the right thing is to do it, as long as you know what the wrong thing is. I don't even know that right now.
So, yes, I need this week in Buffalo. I need a moment to decompress. I need time to think without distractions. I need to go dancing with Alyssa and P.A. I need to play Mario Bros. WII with Ali. I need to go horseback riding with my aunt. I need to watch old home videos with my Nonno. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need to love my family and be loved by them.
As my dad says, blood is thicker than water. I have no idea where that saying came from, but I am so grateful that my family will always be with me and they are awesome.
I am leaving for Buffalo in less than three days!!!!! No amount of exclamation points can communicate my excitement.
