Decompressing

I am not ready to be back at work. I am too used to sleeping without an alarm and not having any obligations to successfully accomplish anything. I am accomplishing things. Not efficiently and definitely under protest. Why is procrastination so appealing?

I have been in a funk since returning from Buffalo. I hate that I can't shake this sense of exhaustion. Last week in Buffalo didn't really help in the "rest and relaxation" department. There were parts of the week that were more challenging than I thought they would be - like underestimating the amount of crying/complaining/bitching of which my grandfather is capable. There were parts that were every bit as challenging as I thought they would be - like the first time I walked into my Nonna's house - walked into her smell and her presence - without her being there. That part I knew was going to hit me like a snowball. It was more like a slab of ice. Walking downstairs to her kitchen....for some reason I knew that she would be there. I knew that I was going to step off the end of the stairs and round the corner and she would be putting a plate of freshly made zucchini patties on the table. But, she was not there. In the absence of her was just heaviness and loss....

....Parts like the first time I visited her grave at the cemetery. Another snowball and completely unexpected. For some reason, in all my emotional preparation for this trip, I completely overlooked preparing myself for visiting the place were the remains of her physical body rest. I stood with my head against the cool granite, my Nonno and cousin vaguely in the background, and wept. If I didn't know it would upset my Nonno, I would have fallen to my knees and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of letting all my tears fall on her grave.

Despite how cantankerous and stubborn, grumpy and depressed my Nonno has become, I don't think I was ready to leave. Or maybe it was not ready to leave the security of my cousin's presence. Over the last couple of years, Alyssa has become one of my best friends. Despite the fact that she is over five years my junior, I feel more of a connection with her than I do from friends my own age who I have known my whole life.

There. Is. Nothing. Like. Family.

Over the course of the week, we repeatedly told each other how thankful we were that the other one was there because neither of us could have endured the constant bitching on our own. It's amazing how much my Nonna calmed and mellowed him while she was alive. I hate that he lives a self-fulfilling prophecy: He is so sad and lonely because no one will come see him anymore, but no one will come see him because he drives everyone away. Alyssa and I joked in a not-so-joking-way that we hoped he would still like us, his favored grandchildren, at the end of the week. I'm not so sure since he was pretty upset with me for not eating meat, drinking coffee, or eating at least 50 pounds of food at every meal.

We must have done something right, though, because he's called me twice this week already and talked about how much he misses us. There is nothing more heart wrenching than listening to your grandfather cry over the phone and beg you to come stay with him so he won't be all alone.

During the week, I was convinced that there would be no way I could move to Buffalo and live with him as I have been thinking about and wanting to do since my Nonna passed away. Now, my heart is aching because all I want is to go back. I want to be surrounded by my family and all the love they have for me all the time. I want to go back to school and meet new people and study something about which I am so passionate. And yet, I don't want to have to worry that he's going to cut me out of his will if I forget to wipe down the tile walls in the bathroom after showering or leave a single glass in the sink.

Ugh! I don't know what to do or what I want, but I know I don't want to be here forever. I know that there is something so much more for me and I am destined for something so much greater than this purposelessness I feel is consuming my life.

I may not have all the answers, but I do know that something's gotta give. And soon.

Someone To Watch Over Me

I want love. Deep, unconditional, utterly complete love. Knock me off my feet, take my breath away love. I want fearless love. Love that makes my heart ache from the beauty and security of it. Love that makes my stomach, cheeks, ribs hurt from the laughter of it. Unquestionable, unconquerable, unstoppable, unfathomable love.

I yearn for this love with every firing of my nerve endings. But, I cannot even imagine how this kind of love is even possible. I have never had or truly seen what this kind of love can do and yet I still believe in it. I believe that one day I will turn around and it will be right there ready to take the next step with me.

I want to be romanced. I want to be pursued because I am so precious and worthwhile. I want to work side by side and build a life together. I want a passion that is as deep as my own. I want to sweat and cry and laugh and bleed and run and dance and spin and plant and raise and grow and create and mourn and rejoice and lose and gain. I want to give all that I am and everything I have and not be afraid that it won't be reciprocated. I want to be cherished. I want to be protected. I want to be respected as strong and capable and intelligent and beautiful and funny. I want to be treated like a lady; treated like no other man has ever come before.

I want to hunger and thirst after God together. I want a man who is so strong in his faith that it is more important for him to please God than to please me. I want a man who wants me to please God more than I want to please him. I want a man who has so much zest for life that he is never content to stop learning, stop trying, stop attempting great things. I want someone who doesn't have to fight to make a point. I want a man who will fight for me. I want someone who is gentle, humble, kind, patient, strong, noble, hard working. Someone who has the same goal and vision for his life as I have for mine. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who isn't afraid to cry. Someone who isn't afraid when I cry. Someone with a servant's heart and a king's wisdom.

I want someone who will just as quickly climb a tree with me as take me to the opera. Someone who  is just as clean and neat as I am, but won't freak out if the house isn't perfect all the time. Someone who likes Do It Yourself weekend projects. Someone who gets excited for stargazing, rain dances, water fights, hiking through the woods, picnics, piggy-back rides, carnival rides, cooking, sailing, rolling down hills, swinging on swings, apple picking, bonfires, Christmas decorating, trying new things, being adventurous, camping, traveling, living life to the hilt.

Does this kind of love even exist? Am I foolish to still crave this? I don't want him to be perfect. I just want him to be perfect for me.

The Little Things

Sometimes I wander onto CraigsList and check out the listings for random things that I want. Normally that includes cars that I can't afford, laptops that I can't afford, and apartments that I can't afford. Yeah, I basically just like to covet things and not commit to buying them. I work hard for the money, I'm not going to throw it away on something unless it is a shopping spree completely necessary.

BUT! (There's always a but) after a much-needed Skype date with my friend, Holly, last night where she was sharing about her need for new housing, I decided to revisit the ol' "apts/housing" section. My avoidance of this area in the recent past is because, while I can technically afford to get my own place, living rent-free in my parent's basement enables me to pay off my debt that much faster. However, I miss having my own place. Especially now when all of my nerves feel so raw and exposed it seems as if having my own sanctuary is most definitely a necessity. Don't get me wrong...my parents are wonderful, supportive people. I just feel sometimes that I don't want to talk to anyone, explain where I am every moment, or have to feel guilty if I feel like I'm not "contributing" enough to the household in exchange for free housing.

In light of recent events in my life, now more than ever do I want to go into "turtle mode," i.e. withdraw into myself for protection/hide away from the world and become a recluse. That's not crazy, right? I mean, I don't own any cats.....yet.....

As I was perusing the listings on CraigsList, one popped out at me:
Wellfleet. Waterfront. Winter Rental. $500/month. Utilities Included.
Glory be! Saints be praised!

I emailed the woman post haste and she quickly responded with even more (stunning) pictures of the property. We've been emailing back and forth all morning and I've already sent her my application and references and we've set a date for me to come and look at the place in person. Did I mention that it has an exposed brick wall? I love an exposed brick wall! *le sigh* I think I'm in love and have already mentally set myself firmly inside this loft for the winter.

Bonus: It's partially furnished with, conveniently, everything that I would need.

I am allowing myself to get ridiculously excited about this because, hey, it's about the little things, right?

Buffalo

I leave for Buffalo in less than three days! I am avoiding excessive use of exclamation points. I am also trying to be realistic that walking into my Nonna's house (it will always be my Nonna's house) is going to be like a slap in the face. Because every piece of furniture will be embedded with her essence, but she will not be there. For the first time in my life, she will not be there to greet me in her thick accent or envelope me in her comforting embrace. Nonna always gave the best hugs.

When I talked to my Nonno last night, he couldn't contain the excitement in his voice that my cousin, Alyssa, and I are coming to see him (and the rest of my family that still lives in the area). And of course, the first thing on his mind was what I wanted to eat and what he needed to get at the grocery store. First on the list? Meatballs. *epic sigh* It's not even worth trying to explain to him anymore that I'm a vegetarian.

This is my life when I go to Buffalo

Despite the emotion that will be invoked by staying in my Nonna's house for the first time in my life with no Nonna, I know that this coming week is going to be so good. I need a change of pace. While moving out of the city and out of a very toxic relationship was the best decision I could have made, this summer has been anything but smooth sailing. Which is ridiculous considering I came home to find healing and rest and support and love. I am exhausted by the drama of it all.

Sometimes I wonder, despite the fact that I hate it so much, if I'm the one who inadvertently creates all the drama. After all, I am a Thespian (as in actor, not playing for the other team :)) and no stranger to the stage. But, then I think of times in my life when I haven't been around certain people and life seemed to be fairly even. For as much as I didn't want to be in Pittsburgh, I never remember having "drama."  Yes, there were hard things that I was dealing with and not everything about that year was easy, but I had amazing friends who were like-minded and easy-going. Mostly, I wonder when it ends. When does it get to the point where I am just too frikken old to deal with this? What relationships are worth keeping (even with drama) and which ones am I willing to let go to lead a healthier, more peaceful life? And, in letting those relationships go, do I sacrifice others? Am I ok with that?

I am not perfect. I by no means make perfect decisions. But, I am haunted by the horrible decisions I have made in the recent past and terrified of continuing the trend. What is the right thing to do? I have heard that sometimes you don't always have to know what the right thing is to do it, as long as you know what the wrong thing is. I don't even know that right now.

So, yes, I need this week in Buffalo. I need a moment to decompress. I need time to think without distractions. I need to go dancing with Alyssa and P.A. I need to play Mario Bros. WII with Ali. I need to go horseback riding with my aunt. I need to watch old home videos with my Nonno. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need to love my family and be loved by them.

As my dad says, blood is thicker than water. I have no idea where that saying came from, but I am so grateful that my family will always be with me and they are awesome.

I am leaving for Buffalo in less than three days!!!!! No amount of exclamation points can communicate my excitement.

Because I Can

Epic song list. I could have written all of these and they define the last several months of my life.  

Carrie Underwood: Undo It

All around perfect angry-girl song. Every girl needs one...or twenty.

 "I should've walked but I never had the chance, everything got out of hand and I let it slide. Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games, I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face....You want my future you can't have it! Still trying to erase you from my past. I need you gone so fast!"

Sara Evans: A Little Bit Stronger

"Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried. I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer. I'm busy getting stronger."

Lauren Hill feat. Mary J. Blige: I Used to Love Him

This song has followed me through my life and gets more meaningful each time.

"I chose a road of passion and pain, sacrified too much and waited in vain. Gave up my power, ceased being queen, addicted to love like the drug of a fiend. Torn and confused, wasted and used, reached the crossroad, which path would I choose. Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated for something to happen that just wasn't fated. Thought what I wanted was something I needed, when momma said no I just should have heeded. Misled, I bled till the poisen was gone and out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn. I used to love him, but now I don't."

The Wreckers: Cigarettes

I will belt this at the top of my voice on any given car ride.

"See I left another good man tonight. I wonder if he'll miss me, Lord knows I tried. But I think that maybe the thing that I did wrong was put up with his bull shit for far too long. I think I might like the quiet nights of this empty life. 'Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need. And someday I won't have to prove 'cause somebody will see all my worth, but until then I'll do just fine on my own...with my cigarettes and this old dirt road."

Sarah Bareilles: Between the Lines

"No right minds could wrong be this many times...My memory is cruel. I'm queen of attention to detail, defending intentions if he failed. 'Till now. He told me her name. It sounded familiar in a way, I could've sworn I'd heard him say it 10,000 times. Oh if only I had been listening."

Ani DiFranco: Dilate

Total. Girl. Crush. Look at the way she makes love to her guitar. There are multiple Ani songs that I could put on this list, but this is the most epic.

"You are so lame, you always disappoint me. It's kinda like our running joke, but it's really not funny. And I just want you to live up to the image of you I've created. I see you and I'm so unsatisfied. I see you and I dilate."

Christina Perri: Jar of Hearts

This is probably one of the most poignant music videos I have ever seen and it never fails to bring forth a reaction from me every time I watch it. This song (and video), from beginning to end, exemplifies exactly what I went through.

"I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found. But, I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms! ...It took so long just to feel all right. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, 'cause you broke all your promises. And now you're back. You don't get to get me back!"

Adele: Rolling in the Deep

I have been an Adele fan since she was on VH1's Behind the Music. She blows it out of the park with this song. This, more than any of the others, is my theme song.

"Finally I can see you crystal clear. Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare. See how I leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do. There's a fire starting in my heart. It's reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark."

I Did It!

If you notice that I'm not posting regularly on here (I know, I know, I just started up again), check me out over here. I am tre excited about this new blog. It's been a long time comin'

Ok, now go read it! :)

Meet the Bosses

ec·stat·ic: /ekˈstatik/ - adj: Feeling or expressing overwhelming happiness or joyful excitement.
bliss·ful: /ˈblisfəl/ - adj: Extremely happy; full of joy
con·tent: /kənˈtent/ - adj: In a state of peaceful happiness
dating TLGOE: v: a combination of all three definitions above

He arrived at 6:15 sharp just like he said he would (note to self: be more punctual!). As I was collecting my things and getting ready to walk out to his car, my mom says, "If he's as much of a gentleman as you say he is, he will come to the door to pick you up." Queue TLGOE walking up to the door as my mom looks at me smugly. She loves being right. She also loves being a Chatty Kathy and TLGOE happily obliged her prattling away while we walked to the car.

Excerpt:
Mom: Let me come see your car because I really like that color!
TLGOE: Oh no, you don't want to see my car, it's nothing fancy.
Mom: Oh, I don't care about that! I just want to see the color!! (everything my mom says is followed by an exclamation point. She's that excitable.)
TLGOE: Ok...
Mom: Oh yes! See this is what I would prefer over that *disdainfully gesturing to her sleek, black, really nice Amanti sitting in the driveway* If I could choose a color, this would be it!
Me: I thought you always wanted a pink caddy?
Mom: Oh yes!! It's my dream to have a pastel pink Cadillac! Or hot pink!!!
TLGOE: That way it could match your hair *joking around* (My mom's hair is pink at the moment. The hair color on the box is supposed to be red, but the white in her hair makes it turn out pink in some places. Classy.)
Mom: Oh my hair! Yes!!! You're right! I wish I had blond hair because then I could dye it hot pink and have it really stand out!!!

Hell, this looks so good that I would do it if I had blond hair

Seriously. I cannot make this shit up. My mom truly marches to the beat of her own drum. We finally detached ourselves and I'm sure my mom did not miss the amazingness that is TGLOE's habbit of opening the car door for me. Hopefully she missed the kisses we shared once comfortably seated.

Arriving at his bosses' house started my nerves, but they were completely misplaced as both of his bosses are incredible people. Especially Kevin. He's British. 'Nuf said. Plus, they used to be vegan macrobiotic so they made me a completely vegan, Japanese-themed dinner: udon noodles with kale and shitake mushroom soup and the best veggie tempora I have ever had. Oh, and spicy edamame to snack on with our beer when we first arrived.

Conversation came easy, despite the clashing of worldviews (me: conservative Christian. them: liberal zen/buddhists/asian idealogy). We left close to 10 after an amazing dessert of bruciata and wine (Italian for me :)).

TLGOE and I chose to keep the night going by catching a late showing of Cowboys & Aliens.

This still of Olivia Wilde is about as good as it gets

Did you get through that trailer? Yeah, I know, super long and super not-a-lot-happening-in-it. We both fell asleep. And my ribs are sore today from leaning against the cup holder as we were trying to snuggle. Movie fail! So disappointing because I actually really wanted to see this movie and was looking forward to lots of explosions and ass-kicking. Minimal explosions. Modicum of ass-kicking. Lame story line to make what little action almost unbearable. But, the extra time with TGLOE is always necessary and appreciated.

Now I have to wait until Sunday to see him again when he comes over for dinner to meet the fam. That is, of course, unless I decide to invite myself over some night this week....*evil laughter*

Hair

Ok, one day later and I'm not freaking out quite so much. Although, I'm still getting used to my new ridiculously short hair. I chopped it all off (10 inches!) at the end of April when I was still in The City. I was getting tired of my hair being blah, the weather was getting hotter, and I could sense the inevitable end of my relationship with The Artist. That, more than anything, motivated the change. For whatever reason, I always feel the need to do something drastic to signify the end of a relationship and the beginning of something (hopefully) better.

But, this "trim" as I was foolishly calling it, is so much shorter than the first cut three months ago. And while it helps that everyone at my office and in my family loves it, it's still taking me awhile to get used to the reflection in the mirror. This is the shortest my hair has ever been. Ever. In my life!

I have always favored long hair. In fact, I went through a period in my life when I refused to wear my hair loose because I believed that a woman's hair is her glory and only her husband should see it. But, I was in college and vanity peer pressure got the better of me. My hair was down to my waist at the time and I still remember the gasps when I would walk into class with my hair floating around me *sigh*

Oh no! What have I done!! Come back to me, hair!

*breathing into a paper bag* I'll be fine. Really. After my hair grows out again.

It took a lot to cut off all of those glorious 15 inches and donate them to Locks of Love the first time eight years ago. Since then, this is the third time I've done it. But, this cut wasn't for a good cause. This was just to get it "reshaped." And then I spent last night angry and sad and way too emotional. Isn't it funny what a hair cut will do to one's emotional state?

As I said, I'm better today and actually getting used to it. I predict that I'm probably going to really like it in a couple of days time. The ease and minimal product usage will most likely add to that....and the incessant compliments. I devour compliments like a shark with a seal (BTW, it's Shark Week on Discovery Channel. *droooooooool*).

"Yes, I know I'm pretty, but affirm me, dammit!"

And on that note, I'm off to spend the last half hour of work watching Shark Week clips online.

Bonus: I'm having dinner at TLGOE's bosses' house tonight. Very nervous, but more excited to see him to let my nerves get the best of me. I just hung out with him on Sunday (picnic on the beach, watching the sunset while listening to Vivaldi followed by stargazing where we talked and snuggled and saw shooting stars. Great success :)) and it already feels like it's been foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr since I've seen him. I know....pathetic. But, in the best way possible! And the giddiness continues....

I just got my hair cut tonight. I am in tears. She cut it way too short and now I think I look like a boy. Seriously bawling my eyes out. And that's all I have the heart to write at the moment....

Warning Men: Do Not Read!

So, remember when I was all excited because I actually woke up early and ran 4 miles? Yeah. Then remember how my joints were a bunch of haters and made me look and feel like an 80-year-old woman? Right. And after a day and a half everything was back to normal and I was all, "Excitement! Imma go running Monday morning!!!!!!!" 

Didn't happen.

Instead, I decided a positive life decision would be to eat a cookie (the size of my face) for breakfast. And then I decided, when I was wide awake at 5:30 this morning, that falling back to sleep trumped doing any form of exercise. Health fail.

Ugh, why is it so hard to say no to chocolate/sugar/carbs/cheese/anything fattening and delicious right now? Have I ever vented about how annoying hormones are and how my body is a frikken battle ground one week out of every month? Oh, I have? Multiple times? To multiple people? Regardless of whether or not they want to hear it? Oh......so you're saying I should continue my rant?

But seriously, I just don't understand why this has to happen every month. Shouldn't there be an "opt in?" Or maybe it's more like once you're ready to have a baby, you just download an app for that. There has got to be a better/more efficient way. And don't even get me started about child-carrying/bearing. Wait, what about stretch marks? Loss of all bladder and flatulence control? What about my hips dislocating and something the size of a grapefruit coming out of my what??? How is this natural? I mean, I have trouble with tampons, much less pushing a baby out. Reason #358 why having kids freaks me the fuck out.

Another question: Is my body really that angry at me that I didn't get myself impregnated that it's going to not only give me the usual cramping, bloating, water-retention joy, but also extreme fatigue from lack of iron, headaches, numb toes, and bouts of vomiting? Really, my body? Seriously necessary? Why are you such a hater? Oh wait, you're also going to make me an emotional, irrational, temperamental train wreck? Fantastic! I love bursting into tears for no reason. Aren't I just a joy to be around.

I feel like I constantly need to be apologizing to people during this time because I am in a constant state of "OMGZZZZZZ!!!!!!! CAN'T DEAL WITH LIFE FREAK OUT!!!!!!" It's kind of like any filter you have on your mind during, you know, normalcy is completely wiped out.
Last night is a perfect example. I received news that a dear friend of mines mother just passed away after a long fight with cancer. I was (am) heartbroken. Perfect time to cry. Did I? No. I wanted to, but I was just sort of....numb....still am. Just sort of....processing. Instead, I waited to burst into tears until later that night when I thought I was done cleaning the kitchen and had just wiped down the sink when I realized I missed the cast iron skillet. Melt. Down.

Ugh! I hope that I can keep it together tomorrow night when I meet TLGOE's bosses (!!!). I'm not too concerned because my mood when I'm around TLGOE ranges somewhere between ecstatic and euphoric. Totally. Crushin.

Just thinking about him puts me in a better mood. *le sigh* So, there! Take that uterus!