Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Flow of Conciousness

"I have taken a wrong turn
When will I learn? When will I learn?
Should I show them all my scars?
Cherry red bleeding burn." -Ingrid Michaelson

I am in a weightless mood. Feeling detached. Feeling aimless. Feeling feelings. Feelings are funny things. They evaporate in the morning sun of the next day and I am left wondering why I even felt yesterday's feelings in the first place. And will today's feelings be the same as tomorrow's? When will tomorrow's feelings be any different?

I feel like I want to lose myself in the city lights...lose myself in the vastness of the shoreline...lose myself anywhere but here. But, when I try to peg down the whys and wherefores, I discover that they are just mist and were never anything solid in the first place. As if logic decided not to be my friend anymore. Could this be like elementary school when we're friends again tomorrow?

In elementary school I used to play Barbies. I used to play with My Little Ponies. I used to tramp through the woods on adventures and come back for my mom to pick ticks out of my long, black hair. When I was in elementary school I learned how to play by myself and be happy. I learned how to imagine myself somewhere else. I am imagining myself somewhere else. Somewhere on the West Coast. Somewhere in New York City. Somewhere in Australia. Somewhere anywhere but here.

And I can't seem to wrap my imagination around staying in this place. And I can't seem to wrap my legs around a man long enough to make him love me. Or long enough for me to pretend to love him. And I can't seem to wrap myself tight enough in my blankets at night to keep out the chill. Can I wrap myself in you?

When I think of wrapping myself in God I grow stubborn. My mother always told me I was stubborn. My mother told me she used to pray that I would learn to not be so shy and timid. She never knew God would answer her prayer so completely. My mother told me that I should stop picking my nails; she told me my fingers would become deformed. I think my soul has become deformed.

Where does the eternal soul live before you die? Is it wrapped up inside the body or does it live in the sky, floating on ocean currents and gazing down from mountain heights? If my soul is in the tides of the sea, can I be with it there?

Can I be anywhere but here?

1 comment:

Life as I know it said...

I think you've written my soul right now! Go read what I wrote a couple days ago - it seems we're in the exact same place.