I have settled into a numb routine. And to anyone on the outside it would seem as if I am a normal, functioning human being...albeit a rude and bitchy one. Why is it that I feel the need to take out my anger on complete strangers? And yet I am still extremely giving and selfless to friends even when they fail to return the favor. It's during times of intense pain that it becomes apparent who your true friends are; or perhaps the more kind term would be who your strong friends are. I understand that not everyone can handle the raw intensity of my grief right now. And I, being the good friend that I am, put on a show for them and pretend that everything is fine and I'm doing much better.
I am doing much better. I have actually slept the last two nights. And despite the raging sore throat I have today, I feel motivated to do more than just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. But, it's funny how there is still that small voice in the back of my head that is begging to be in control of something...anything. Chop off all your hair again. Color it. Get bangs. Stop eating. Work out for hours on end. Scrub the house until it's spotless. And while I am going to scrub the house spotless today and probably hit the gym, that voice is still small enough for me to control and for me to understand when the need to control is an unhealthy choice.
It's funny what grief will do to a person. They say there are stages of grief and what each stage will do to a person while they're experiencing it. I don't know what this stage is called...maybe something between denial and anger and depression. But, definitely not acceptance. Yet. I look at certain members of my family and either they are very good at hiding what they're feeling, or they have come to the final stage of acceptance. And I marvel at their strength. And I think, why don't I have that? And I wonder, how do I get that? And then I get angry again that they seem to have such a peace about it and I don't. And then I feel guilty that that probably means I'm not as good of a Christian, or don't have as close of a relationship with God right now. But, I don't necessarily know how to navigate myself to that safe place of trust and peace. I've been there before. I've been to the place where I am at perfect peace in Christ's hands and I know how amazing it is. So, why I am fighting against it so hard right now?
Perhaps this is just one more lesson, one more study on becoming the person I am meant to be. But, I'm beginning to wonder if all these steps and stages and chapters in my life will actually bring me to a final destination or if they will continue for the rest of my life? Where will this all end? And in the process, I'm still stuck on how to be at peace. How to be strong. How to not be an additional burden on a family who is suffering enough already. How to move past the Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression.
How to get to Acceptance.