I had a break through last night. I was driving home channel surfing on the radio after the battery on my CD player wore out* and I came across this song about death and not knowing how to cope after a loved one has passed on. Obviously I started crying. But, it wasn't the chest-spasmed, blinding, ugly cry I cried during my phone conversation with my sister last Tuesday when I had to pull over into the emergency lane because I couldn't see through my tears. No, it was the silent, tears-running-down-my-face sort of cry when all of a sudden I realized, It's OK To Be Sad. It's OK to have to cry it out and it's OK if I have trouble eating or sleeping. It's OK, because it's all part of the grieving process.
(*Yes, I still use a disk-man to play CD's in my car. Don't be a hater.)
I guess my break through was that I'm not scared of the pain anymore. I am embracing it as a natural part of life and something that must be experienced right now. I am embracing and accepting it. I am at peace knowing that soon her suffering will be over.
I will most likely be in Buffalo this weekend and then again in another two weeks when my sister will be flying in. This is it. This is the time when every possible moment must be spent with her and making her remaining days more comfortable.
I have no idea how much longer I have with her, but I will make every moment of it count. I will not let the sadness overtake me or the darkness close in around me. I must be strong for her. For me. For my family. I shall conquer this.