Thursday, November 19, 2009

Encumbered Forever By Desire...

I had an argument with God this evening whilst driving home from work. He won. As usual. Why does He always have to be right? Oh...yeah...He's God.

The last week has been incredibly peaceful and joyful. I've come (again) to the place of contentment and trust, knowing that God will take care of everything, no matter what. And happened. And it's not like anything catastrophic or horrible went wrong, it was just kind of....blah. And I don't know what triggered it, but all of a sudden I was so frustrated to have this longing inside me for something beyond what I have that I started yelling at God for putting the longing inside me in the first place. See, apparently He thinks that it's not good for man to be alone, but I think I'd prefer life without all the drama, thankyouverymuch.

And not that I'm all-of-a-sudden an uber "anything you can do I can do better" feminist, but I've changed dramatically over the past three years to become more and more independent and okay with the single life. Actually, more than okay, just plain old content with it. The fact of the matter is, I've learned to be self-sufficient to the point that I really don't need a man to:
  1. Make me feel like I'm a complete person
  2. Do handy things around the house
  3. Buy me pretty things
  4. Keep me warm at night
  5. Hold me when I'm sad
At this point in my life, all of the above are just luxuries, added line items that I can do without. All of the above items except the first one. More and more I get frustrated when the idea is implied that, as a woman, I need to find my worth in a relationship/man. Why? Why is that the way it has to be? It's not the 1950s anymore when women truly did rely on men to provide and take care of them. Now, I am self-sufficient without the help of a significant other.

I can't deny that we were created for companionship (which is where my aforementioned argument with God originated). And I can't deny that it's nice to have a warm body in the bed next to me; however, I don't right now, so why should I pine away for it?

I know and believe all this, and yet, I feel like I was slapped in the face this afternoon by the longing for someone. Why is that? And how do I get it to go away?

1 comment:

nims said...

Firstly, love the title of the post, my favorite pink floyd song :)

I believe you can't make "it" go away, ask those of us who have longed for it since forever. I don't really know how to say this but as much as it hurts not to have someone, you fall in love with the idea of having someone (specially if you never did) and what keeps you going is that one day you will have someone.

Coming to the point, why do you want it to go away ? It wasn't a slap as much as the most innate of human desires and I would never suppress that.