This past week, I have been bitter, frustrated, anxious, and angry. All of my old habits that I thought I had already conquered, all my old antagonism toward my mother, toward God came back with a vengeance. Ugh!
I find it interesting, though, because I knew exactly what I needed to do. Probably one of the most frustrating aspects of being in that place of anger is having all the head-knowledge of Christ and either not wanting it, or not being able to surrender to it. That's where I was. And it took much prayer, will-power, and two pep-talks to bring me back to this place of joy, peace, and contentment.
I am amazed at how quick the turn-around time was on this. In the past, it would've taken me days, maybe even weeks, of stewing on whatever-was-pissing me off and even after "getting over it," still holding on to some small portion of my bad emotions just in case I need to pull them out for fire power at a later date. I feel so victorious! I know, more than ever, that I am destined for something greater than this mediocre life, something greater than living for the weekend and putting in my good Samaritan act every once in a while. I know that God has a plan for my life that transcends being a "good little Christian girl."
This walk with Christ is not easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In the words of G.K. Chesterton, "The Christian ideal has not been found tried and left wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried." There are some who believe that once in the grip of salvation, life all-of-a-sudden become easy. No. Life all-of-a-sudden makes sense, but if anything, the path just becomes steeper.
So why choose this? Why choose anything that is difficult? Because anything worth having is difficult. Any victory won is only sweet because it was gained with, to use the cliche, blood, sweat, and tears.
I don't know how this story will end. I don't know if I'll end up living a life of comfort working for the Kingdom here on Cape Cod or if I'll be dodging the bullets of the Janjaweed in Sudan. I don't know and I don't need to know. I know God and I know that His grace is sufficient for me.