Yes, I know it's been awhile, and I'm sorry to the 2 people who actually read this for leaving you high and dry with updates on my life. The truth is, my life has been pretty hellish over the last...well, let's just say since 3/4 way through 2009. But, I was writing some back then, so no need to rehash. It's a new season. A new chapter in my life has opened and I am once again filled with hope that, yes, despite everything, there is joy and abundance.
I don't want to get too much into, "This happened and then this happened, and after that came this happening." However, I do want to fill in a few details.
I am back on Cape Cod and living with my parents in an attempt to pay off the massive amount of debt I accrued during my time in Pittsburgh (thanks AmeriCorps!) and in Brooklyn (thanks The Artist). I am once again single...a little (lot) more scarred and cynical than before and realizing that dating ass holes is a deathly pattern in my life and I need to change that immediately. I am changing it by working through some of my issues in therapy, surrounding myself with positive, supportive people, and by dating The Last Gentleman On Earth.
TLGOE=*le sigh*
I love that I'm attracted to him for all the reasons why other girls would probably just keep walking. He is so adorably nerdy and awkward I cannot stand it. Because, let's be honest, I'm really nerdy and awkward too, I just pretend like I have my shit together. I mean, who else have I ever met actually likes astronomy AND knows what/where the constellations are? Who shares my dweby love for Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and totally gets references to Teen Girl Squad? Who still goes out of his way to open a door (including car doors. Every. Single. Time), pull out a chair, let me order first, always pay for EVERYthing, and not try to just get in my pants immediately? And sure, he's not perfect and there are things that give me pause, but, I'm more concerned right now with him coming to his senses and realizing that I am way too damaged to be worth while then me losing interest because of whatever reason that is no where near important right now because he makes me feel so incredible.
And Bonus: We both agree that taking things ridiculously slow never hurt anyone. And who would've thought, at this point in my life, that I would actually get butterflies just from snuggling on the couch watching a movie? And the other night when he held my hand, I thought I was going to melt into the seat. I mean, this is high school giddiness we're talking about! This hasn't happened to me since the 90s!
Sooooooo, that's that and that's good :). There have been not-so-good things happening this summer, but I'm not dwelling on the negative anymore. I am focusing on the fact that I am making enough money between my two jobs to pay down debt AND buy new shoes. I am focusing on the fact that I have lost over 10 pounds since moving out of the city and am five pounds away from my "high school skinny" goal (!!!). I am focusing on the fact that I get to see my niece, aka My Moo (as well as the rest of my family) multiple times a week. I am focusing on the fact that the past is just that: the past....done, over, finished, and left behind me.
Happiness in Life is not about everything being perfect and going exactly the way you want it to all the time. Happiness is acheived through attitude, through being proactive and not reactive, through focusing on the positive and not the negative.
Happiness also comes from having plane tickets booked for Buffalo the third week of August. It will be the first visit I have made since my Nonna's death in November. The term bittersweet was never more applicable....
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Yes, I am ignoring the fact that I have not updated this blog for months
I could not stop laughing last night. You know the kind of laugh I'm talking about: tears welling up and running out of eyes, ribs protesting from the incessant gut-flexing, cheeks sore from smiling so hard. Yes, that's the kind of laugh I had last night...for about 2-hours/the duration of the movie Horrible Bosses.
Please, if you have not already seen this movie, drop everything you are doing and post-haste get thee to the nearest moving picture house. I went with The Last Gentleman On Earth and if it wasn't so nice being nestled under his arm, I would've just been doubled over the whole time. I'm sure the two glasses of wine (one of which was a sparkling white in an aluminum can....with a straw....that we smuggled in....C.L.A.S.S.) had nothing to do with my constant giggling/choking on my own saliva/convulsions of grandeur. Epic.
No, but seriously. Watch. The. Movie! I would give you some quotes to show just how legend *wait for it* ary this movie is, but they don't even do it justice. And honestly, most of the pee-your-pants funniest parts are funny because everyone is talking over each other. I would fo' sho' go see it again. And again. And again.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Unfinished Post
My heart is very full today and, as always, I find the inadequacy of words so frustrating...or rather my inadequacy to use them correctly.
I find myself constantly going back to that one moment in time when it seemed I had all my shit together and I look at my life now, such a beautiful mess, and wonder which I prefer. I'm glad I'm not as depressed as I was in the fall/winter/all of last year. But, sometimes I still catch myself and second guess everything I'm doing, despite how happy I've been since the new year.
I find myself constantly going back to that one moment in time when it seemed I had all my shit together and I look at my life now, such a beautiful mess, and wonder which I prefer. I'm glad I'm not as depressed as I was in the fall/winter/all of last year. But, sometimes I still catch myself and second guess everything I'm doing, despite how happy I've been since the new year.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
No Tribute Great Enough...
I've never been one to have New Year's Resolutions. Somehow I feel as if each year turns out pretty much the same with me on the other end, a few more bumps and bruises, a few more lessons learned, another year older and sometimes none the wiser. I have no expectations for this year except to just survive each day that comes. 2010 was one of the most difficult years I have lived through to date. For some reason, I feel as if my ability to make wise decisions was switched off and everything that I thought would be wonderful soured in my mouth. Not to say that everything was doldrums and depression, but it has been a hard road with many trials.
As I look back on this year, it seems as though the only event on which I can focus is the passing of my Nonna. It's strange when one's life returns to a sort of normalcy and then actually realizing that fact and being all at once outraged and apathetic at the same time.
The holiday's were hard this year.
It was hard not being in Buffalo with her for the first time in years. It was strange not hearing her voice on the phone when we called to wish my Nonno Buon Natale. It was strange not getting her Christmas and Birthday cards. I remember going through my box of cards last year and purging a lot of useless correspondence I've held onto throughout the years, but something stayed my hand from throwing away any of her cards, even if there was just a "Buon Natale" in her beautiful script on the bottom. It seems providential now. It seems as though I don't have enough of her or from her and the harder I try to grasp at things and memories, the faster they fade away and I am left with just the feeling of her and the wonderful knowledge that for 26 years of my life I could call her mine. She was, and remains to be, the best person I have ever known....the strongest, the most patient, the most beautiful. The unbearable fact is that no matter what the timing of her passing was, I would still not have enough time with her because I want an eternity with her. For as much as she taught me and gave to me, it's not enough and there is always more time that I want with her.
During the last days of her life, she continued to teach us the meaning of strength. For as much pain as she was in and for as much as she was not able to talk, she would still croak out how much she loved us and still tell us not to cry and hold us in arms that she almost didn't have the strength to raise. And when she finally breathed her last, she was in her own house, surrounded by those she loved the most. I watched the light fade from her eyes.
And then I vomited.
And then my aunt and I dressed her for burial.
And then, in true Italian fashion, we opened the wine and set the table and drank and ate in honor and celebration of her life.
This post was not planned to be this, but this is what my heart is so filled with today.
She passed on a Wednesday night and her funeral was the following Monday. At the brunch afterward, I cannot count how many of my family came to me to tell me how much I look like her and how much I remind them of her. My Aunt Rosa told me that I remind her of her mother and that is the greatest compliment she could ever give to anyone. It is the greatest compliment I could ever receive.
So, despite not being big on New Year's resolutions, I want this year to honor her. I want to live my life in such a way that would make her proud. I want to live up to her memory and be the kind of woman she was: strong, loving, forgiving, patient, convicted, gracious, generous, and always ready with a meal on the table and plenty for everyone.
As I look back on this year, it seems as though the only event on which I can focus is the passing of my Nonna. It's strange when one's life returns to a sort of normalcy and then actually realizing that fact and being all at once outraged and apathetic at the same time.
The holiday's were hard this year.
It was hard not being in Buffalo with her for the first time in years. It was strange not hearing her voice on the phone when we called to wish my Nonno Buon Natale. It was strange not getting her Christmas and Birthday cards. I remember going through my box of cards last year and purging a lot of useless correspondence I've held onto throughout the years, but something stayed my hand from throwing away any of her cards, even if there was just a "Buon Natale" in her beautiful script on the bottom. It seems providential now. It seems as though I don't have enough of her or from her and the harder I try to grasp at things and memories, the faster they fade away and I am left with just the feeling of her and the wonderful knowledge that for 26 years of my life I could call her mine. She was, and remains to be, the best person I have ever known....the strongest, the most patient, the most beautiful. The unbearable fact is that no matter what the timing of her passing was, I would still not have enough time with her because I want an eternity with her. For as much as she taught me and gave to me, it's not enough and there is always more time that I want with her.
During the last days of her life, she continued to teach us the meaning of strength. For as much pain as she was in and for as much as she was not able to talk, she would still croak out how much she loved us and still tell us not to cry and hold us in arms that she almost didn't have the strength to raise. And when she finally breathed her last, she was in her own house, surrounded by those she loved the most. I watched the light fade from her eyes.
And then I vomited.
And then my aunt and I dressed her for burial.
And then, in true Italian fashion, we opened the wine and set the table and drank and ate in honor and celebration of her life.
This post was not planned to be this, but this is what my heart is so filled with today.
She passed on a Wednesday night and her funeral was the following Monday. At the brunch afterward, I cannot count how many of my family came to me to tell me how much I look like her and how much I remind them of her. My Aunt Rosa told me that I remind her of her mother and that is the greatest compliment she could ever give to anyone. It is the greatest compliment I could ever receive.
So, despite not being big on New Year's resolutions, I want this year to honor her. I want to live my life in such a way that would make her proud. I want to live up to her memory and be the kind of woman she was: strong, loving, forgiving, patient, convicted, gracious, generous, and always ready with a meal on the table and plenty for everyone.
Never Had the Strength to Finish....
WRITTEN EARLY DECEMBER
This post has been a long time coming. It seems as though I don't even have the energy to write, let alone think of what words I need to use in order to express my thoughts.
My Nonna is dead. She's been gone for over a month and I still can't reconcile myself to the fact that I will never again see her in this life. November 3, 2010, 7:45 p.m. My dad's birthday. I will never forget that date. I will never forget her legacy and her stories. And I wish so badly that I had just one more opportunity to sit on the front porch with her and hold her hand while we talk about everything and nothing.
I just want to document the final days of her life as a tribute to how strong she remained even at the very end, but I have no idea how to even make it through...
This post has been a long time coming. It seems as though I don't even have the energy to write, let alone think of what words I need to use in order to express my thoughts.
My Nonna is dead. She's been gone for over a month and I still can't reconcile myself to the fact that I will never again see her in this life. November 3, 2010, 7:45 p.m. My dad's birthday. I will never forget that date. I will never forget her legacy and her stories. And I wish so badly that I had just one more opportunity to sit on the front porch with her and hold her hand while we talk about everything and nothing.
I just want to document the final days of her life as a tribute to how strong she remained even at the very end, but I have no idea how to even make it through...
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